Separation Anxiety and Sleep

Hava | Raised To Flourish Author

Separation anxiety is a normal and common developmental stage that many babies and young children experience. Read now for what to expect and tips

Separation anxiety is a normal and common developmental stage that many babies and young children experience. This is a time when your child is beginning to learn object permanence—the understanding that people and things continue to exist even when they're not visible. This developmental milestone can make your baby anxious when they can't see you, worried about when or if you'll return.

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Why does it happen?

Babies experience separation anxiety as they start to develop object permanence. They realize that you, their most trusted person, continue to exist even when they can't see you, but they don't yet understand the concept of time. This can make them anxious about when you'll come back. Sleep can feel like a regression because their needs change, and they require different things to feel secure.

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It's essential to build their confidence through more connection. Contrary to the belief that more connection creates dependency or a clingy child, leaning into connection helps your child feel secure and confident.

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When does it happen?

Separation anxiety often starts around six months of age but can begin as early as four months. It is most common between 10-18 months, with a peak around 8-10 months. Separation anxiety can continue to fluctuate throughout the first two to three years of your child's life and can worsen with life changes and stress.

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Why separation anxiety might seem worse around sleep and bedtime

Sleep represents separation for our little ones, setting off their alarm bells. This increased anxiety can significantly impact sleep. Your child might wake more frequently, cry looking for you, need more support to fall asleep, show big emotions around sleep, resist their own sleep space, or battle bedtime.

During the day, you may notice they cry when you leave the room and become more clingy or tearful in new situations.

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What can I do?

1. Play games: Engage in peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek games to help your child understand that people and things come back even if they're out of sight.
2. Communicate: Always say a calm, confident goodbye and avoid sneaking away. Let your child know when you're leaving and when you'll be back, and avoid lingering to draw it out.  Even if you think your child doesn't understand, they likely understand more than it may seem! 
3. Practice brief separations: Start with short separations during the day (even a couple seconds!) and return with excitement and confidence to reassure your child.  This helps reinforce the pattern that you always return, and always make sure that you come back when you say you will
4. Focus on connection: Spend extra one-on-one time with your child, building a strong connection.  Make them feel like the most special, incredible child in the world!  Take the time to truly delight in exactly who they are.  When separation is the problem, more connection is ALWAYS the solution. It is easier said than done, I know! Even 10-15 minutes before bedtime can make such a difference!

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What about sleep?

Separation anxiety can make sleep challenging, but remember, it will pass. Here are some tips to help:

• Build in extra support for yourself: Understand that your child may need a lot of you right now. Take care of yourself too!  
• Introduce a lovey or comfort object: While a lovey or comfort item isn't safe to keep with your child for sleep before 12 months, you can still incorporate one throughout the day, during feeds, comforting them when upset, while they are away from you, and while helping them fall asleep. This can help them feel more secure, especially when apart from you. 
• Utilize flexible sleeping arrangements: Consider options like floor beds, room sharing, safe bedsharing, or splitting nighttime duties with a partner.
• Keep sleep foundations in mind: Maintain consistent routines, tune into your child's unique sleep rhythms and needs, and focus on what works right now.

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Separation anxiety is a phase, and it will get better with time. By understanding your child's needs and providing them with the necessary support and connection, you can help them navigate this challenging period more smoothly. You're doing a fantastic job; your child is lucky to have you!

Categories: : Babies, Toddlers